The unfortunate death of a mobile phone

Technology is not my forte. Give me any piece of equipment with so much as a wire in it and I guarantee that I will break it. This is not my intention; usually I am happily typing away at a computer or putting through an order on a register and the next thing I am confronted with a black screen. My dad tells me that I have sexy fingers, that is to say I screw everything I touch.


Sometimes I break things out of mindless stupidity or carelessness. My most famous case occurred when I accidentally destroyed my mobile phone.


I’m one of those people when it comes to my phone. I have it on me almost all the time. When I’m sitting on the lounge it sits beside me, when I’m driving my phone rides shotgun and at night it is snuggled next to me under my pillow. When I don’t have my phone on me I have a feeling that is uncomfortably close to compulsion.


The infamous night of the freak accident I was sitting on the lounge watching television with my late phone. Television watching was broken up intermittently with the cheery singing that my phone emitted whenever it had received a text message. (To be honest this “cheery tone” was the theme song to Thomas the Tank Engine. I’m a little bit embarrassed about this looking back. I’m much more mature then that now, I’m proud to say my ring tone is now the Adams Family).


It was during this text messaging session that I realised I had to pee. I had that feeling of despair, knowing if I were to trek to the bathroom and back I would not be able to regain the level of comfort I was currently enjoying. This resulted in an internal battle:
Me: Body I’m sorry but this is bad time for me right now. Maybe later?
Body: *Building pressure in bladder*
Me: Maybe you didn’t hear me? *speaks louder* Now is not a good time, I will visit the bathroom later.
Body: *Pressure continues to build*
Me: I’m beginning to think you are just being ignorant. Must I remind you that I control you, you do not control me.
Body: *Sharp pains in abdomen*
Me: *Jumps up and sprints to the toilet*


As I sit down I hear the musical Thomas-the-tank inspired chirping of my phone, which just happens to be clutched in my hand. I open the text and begin typing a reply as I relieve my bladder. I’m still doing so as I turn to flush the toilet.


From here on everything happens in slow motion. I reach out to press the flush button and my beloved phone slips from my grasp. It rotates comically through the air, one flip, two flip, three flips *SPLASH*. I let out a blood-curdling cry of horror. Thinking only of saving my phone I plunge my hand in after it.


It isn’t until after I pull the phone out that I realise what I’ve done. I’m dry retching and sobbing as I make my way to the sink.


My sister appears in the doorway asking what the matter is. My reply: “I just stuck my hand in my pee!”